Fic: "You May Refer To Me As God"

[redbrunja]

Title: You May Refer To Me As God
Author: redbrunja
Fandom: Naruto
Rating: PG
Author's Note: Written for naruto_contest: week 20 – judge
Characters: Tsunade, Kakashi.
Summary:  Hatake Kakashi was forty minutes and a baker's dozen of seconds late to his meeting with the Fifth Hokage. That wasn't why she threw him across the room.

Hatake Kakashi was forty minutes and a baker's dozen of seconds late to his meeting with the Fifth Hokage.

"Yo," he opened with as he climbed in her window, omnipresent orange-jacketed book in his hands.

Tsunade knocked back a saucer of sake, violently signed her name on something very, very important, and then poured herself another.

"Sorry I'm late," he said, "There was this cute little lost pussy cat who needed help-"

That was the wrong lie to use, boyo, Tsunade thought as she turned in her chair, rose, and jabbed her finger forward. The spine of Icha Icha Revelation broke with a crack like a shattered tibia. The book slapped into Kakashi's chest with the force of a downed tree, and he flew across the room, slamming into the far wall. The plaster cracked behind him and before his feet could do more than touch the ground, the Hokage was in front of him, pinky resting on his hitai-ate, sake cup still in her hand. Kakashi caught the book before it could fall to the floor in the crook of his left arm, cradling it like an infant, kunai between every finger of his right hand.

Tsunade pressed a little harder, pinning him to the wall and preventing Kakashi from even thinking of using the sharingan on her.

"Put the kunai away, Hatake," she ordered. She took a long, slow draw of her sake, drinking until the bowl was dry, and then tossed it behind her. Her cup landed on a stack of papers, flipped over, and then rolled to a stop next to the bottle.

There was a long pause. Kakashi's face was implacable, but she could practically hear his little male mind whirring away like a hamster in a cage, clearly at a loss to why his Hokage had him between an annoyed kunoichi and a hard place.

He carefully returned his kunai to their holster.

"About my apprentice," Tsunade said with a smile.

His expression didn't change, but there was a slight 'oh... that,' tension that added itself to his shoulders.

She took a moment to stare into his single, dark eye.

He knew exactly what she wanted to talk about and he knew that she knew that he knew.

Orochimaru would have kept this going for another six 'he knew that she knew that he knew's and Jiraiya would have broken bones by now, or bought the man a drink, which was why neither of them was the goddamned Hokage.

"Hatake," she roared in a voice the caused the windows to rattle, "if I even SUSPECT that you are going to die on that girl, I will bust your ass back to gennin IMMEDIATELY and restrict you to D-class missions for the rest of your VERY, VERY LONG LIFE."

Kakashi's eyes widened.

"I see," he said after a very, very long pause. "...Is that all?"

"IT'S FUCKING WELL NOT," she responded, and then released Kakashi, pressing a finger to her lips as she recalled what that other thing was.

Oh, A-class mission, right.

She swiped the scroll of the desk, tossed it at him, and then poured herself another drink.

She didn't look up as she heard the seal break. Seconds later, "You know, for this mission I think I medic-nin would be most helpful-" he started.

He was right, which was why she didn't immediately throw him out the window.

"Take Shizune, then," she said, not looking up.

There was a fractional pause where Kakashi clearly debated whether or not to push his luck.

"Yes, Hokage-sama," he said, and vanished with a poof of gray smoke.

Tsunade leaned back in her chair, letting her smirk slip into a more sincere, melancholy smile. She approved, but that didn't mean she was going to make it easy for him.

If he broke Sakura's heart, she was going to pound every bone in his body to dust, even if she had to drag him back from the fucking land of the dead to do so.

Comments

[rashaka.livejournal.com]

I remember you talking about this concept, and I'm delighted to see you fic it. Your Tsunade voice is just right, and Kakashi's reactions are totally in-character.

I like the reference to him drawing his kunai when attacked. just in case they're needed, even in the Hokage's office Natural reaction.

Orochimaru would have kept this going for another six 'he knew that she knew that he knew's and Jiraiya would have broken bones by now, or bought the man a drink, which was why neither of them was the goddamned Hokage.

Oh that is perfect. Yes.

Oh, A-class mission, right. Haha.

There was a fractional pause where Kakashi clearly debated whether or not to push his luck. ::snicker::

[redbrunja.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm so glad you thought Kakashi was in character, because we we just talking about that while I was writing, and he's both being his normal enigma self a bit here - not talking much- and besides I always worry that I can't walk the talk, you know?

I like the reference to him drawing his kunai when attacked. just in case they're needed, even in the Hokage's office Natural reaction.

Oh, hell yeah. I mean, frankly, it says a lot about Kakashi's control that Tsunade DID get stabbed, because if you trained your whole life to have hair trigger reflexes and someone pulled the stuff she did? Even without the whole henge factor it takes a lot not to react violently.

And I really think that Tsunade makes a lot of her choices based on what her former teammates would or wouldn't do - I think she thinks about them a lot more than she lets on

Oh, A-class mission, right. Haha.

We all know Sakura's the important part of this conversation. ^_^

Also, I always seem to end up writing about Tsunade for naruto_contest. It's odd. And now I'll stop editing this comment. I promise. ^_^

[jewel-song.livejournal.com]

This was fantastic. Very in-character for both Kakashi and Tsunade.

Well done! :)

(Going in my memories!)

♥

[redbrunja.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I love knowing my stuff is getting memed!

[irrhapsodi.livejournal.com]

In-character and hilarious.

[redbrunja.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[elle6778.livejournal.com]

It was very funny. I had a grin plastered on my face while I read it.

[redbrunja.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[redbrunja.livejournal.com]

*grins*

Yeah, I just had the image of Tsunade with Kakshi pinned to the wall with her pinky, not even looking at him as she drained her sake cup.

I think Tsunade thinks of her former teammates a lot, no matter how hard she tried not to.

And I will be posting these on ff.net. It takes me a while because I always end up doing uploading a bunch at once, because ff.net's system sucks donkey balls.

[senbonzakura77.livejournal.com]

LOL. XDD Tsunade was absolutely perfect in this! :D

[redbrunja.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

Great icon by the way.

[txilar.livejournal.com]

Excellent! I like how the relationship is completely implied and behind the scenes. I also like her violent signature on very, very important docs. ^_^

You do a great job of Tsunade. I especially liked Orochimaru and Jiraiya's cameos.

And, sure, this icon works. >_>

[redbrunja.livejournal.com]

It's a great icon.

And yeah, you're right, I never once explicity say that Kakashi and Sakura and fooling around, do I? *giggle*

Thanks for the comment!

[shawnyw.livejournal.com]

*laughs* I usually don't ship KakaSaku, but this was really cute! I love how overprotective Tsunade is of Sakura. Tsunade in motherhen mode is scary... and funny... and totally awesome! :D

[redbrunja.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Writing Tsunade is always a blast, and I'm glad you liked it. I think the Hokage would be overprotective, but not in the typical way, you know?

[kaiwynn.livejournal.com]

I don't usually like KakaSaku, but this was perfect. The characterizations for both Tsunade and Kakashi are spot-on. Loved it! :)

[redbrunja.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

Lovely icon, by the way.

[strange_quark]

I snickered throughout this entire story. Tsunade's not a character I normally find all that funny, but she's hilarious in this.

Orochimaru would have kept this going for another six 'he knew that she knew that he knew's and Jiraiya would have broken bones by now, or bought the man a drink, which was why neither of them was the goddamned Hokage

Greatest line ever.

Poor Kakashi, getting smacked around. Although probably if he ever did hurt Sakura, I think Tsunade's going to be in line behind her to hurt him XD

[redbrunja.livejournal.com]

Orochimaru would have kept this going for another six 'he knew that she knew that he knew's and Jiraiya would have broken bones by now, or bought the man a drink, which was why neither of them was the goddamned Hokage

Greatest line ever.

Thank you! That was one of my 'heard in my head and just had to put it in there lines.'

And yeah, if he hurt Sakura, she'd pound him. If he died, on the other hand, Sakura would be heartbroken and depressed, and it would be Tsunade standing on his grave yelling, 'YOU FUCKING MEN! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS GOT AND GET YOUSELVES HEROICLY DEAD! HATAKE, GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE AND MAKE MY APPRENTICE HAPPY! YOU OWE HER NUMEROUS ORGASMS FOR PUTTING UP WITH YOU PULLING THIS SHIT!'

:O

[caustic-tempest.livejournal.com]

I loved this.
Beautifulo concept, amazing portrayal of Kakashi.
And I lurve Tsunade more than life.

Re: :O

[redbrunja.livejournal.com]

Tsunade is made of win.

Thank you so much for my Kakaship portrayal! It's very Tsunade-focused, and he doesn't do that much, so I'm a little surprised (but very pleased) at how many people are like 'perfect Kakashi! So IC!'

[yumi-maki.livejournal.com]

Ah, I remember seeing you talk about this concept and had a feeling this was it when I read the summary. It's nice - I like it. I'm quite fond of your Tsunade - she's so strong - not just physically - and she really seems to love Sakura and look out for her. I quite liked how Kakashi reacted to the accusation (?) from Tsunade as well - it seemed perfectly in character. I couldn't help feeling for his Icha Icha novel, however. I love when people put 'knew that she knew that he knew' lines in stories - they're always funny.

Ah, I always want to write KakaSaku - there's a sweetness about that pairing for me, something about the mix of Kakashi's cynicism and Sakura's innocence, I don't know - but I don't think I have what it takes to write it. Hence the lack of ideas - anyway, good job!

Oh, and you spelled Shizune wrong.

[redbrunja.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I was really glad that I got a prompt that inspired me to write down this plotbunny.

And Tsunade - she's gone through so much the just the fact that she hasn't curled up in a ball and given up, and that she continues to be there when she's needed says so very, very much.

And I would love it if you wrote Kakashi/Sakura -it's my OTP, and the pairing is what got me into Naruto. I think those two work really well together - there's something about how they balance each other out, and from the way they're always together while Naruto and Sasuke run off to do their angsty, shounan junk, they clearly can spend long periods of time together and not hate each other.

Oh, typo is fixed, and I love that icon.

[thesoundofsisu.livejournal.com]

completely brilliant, especially when she tells him to take shizune when he requests medic personnel. *snickers* you're awesome!

[redbrunja.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I think Tsunade would approve of Kakashi/Sakura, but I don't think she'd make it easy for him!

[redbrunja.livejournal.com]

Thank you!