BRB LOL-ing 4ever

[redbrunja]

Okay, so the Literary Review has a Bad Sex In Fiction Award that is an attempt to: 'draw attention to the crude, tasteless, often perfunctory use of redundant passages of sexual description in the modern novel, and to discourage it'.

The shortlisted passages are here.

The best, and by 'best' I mean most atrocious (imho) is this one:

The green cock plunged in and out of the abundant naked body sprawled beneath it, slow at first, then faster and harder, then harder still, and all of Tracy's curves and hollows moved in unison with it. This was not soft porn. This was no longer two unclothed women caressing and kissing on a bed. There was something primitive about it now, this woman-on-woman violence, as though, in the room filled with shadows, Pegeen were a magical composite of shaman, acrobat, and animal. It was as if she were wearing a mask on her genitals, a weird totem mask, that made her into what she was not and was not supposed to be. She could as well have been a crow or a coyote, while simultaneously Pegeen Mike.

There was something dangerous about it. His heart thumped with excitement - the god Pan looking on from a distance with his spying, lascivious gaze.

It was English that Pegeen spoke when she looked over from where she was, now resting on her back beside Tracy, combing the little black cat-o'-nine-tails through Tracy's long hair, and, with that kid-like smile that showed her two front teeth, said to him softly, 'Your turn. Defile her.' She took Tracy by one shoulder, whispered 'Time to change masters,' and gently rolled the stranger's large, warm body toward his.

~~~~

I think it's the bonus gender and sexuality fail on top of the bad writing that really makes this passage for me.

Comments

[qualapec.livejournal.com]

This scene is confused.

[redbrunja.livejournal.com]

So were the writers, I assume.

[superduperotaku.livejournal.com]

O_o

What in holy hell was THAT? Don't people have editors to look at this stuff? Please don't tell me this was in an actual published novel...

[redbrunja.livejournal.com]

ALL of them were from actual published novels - lit fiction, to boot.

[the-sun-is-up.livejournal.com]

WHAT.

[redbrunja.livejournal.com]

Just so.

[manonlechat.livejournal.com]

whimper.

[redbrunja.livejournal.com]

Can't say I didn't warn you.

[yumi-maki.livejournal.com]

I don't even - know what I just read. What?

[redbrunja.livejournal.com]

Your icon is perfect.

[nimblnymph.livejournal.com]

Actually, this doesn't make me wanna join a nunnery.

It makes me wanna crank out some DECENT porn. For the love of god ... what the hell is that?

I'm stealing this for a project, by the way.

[redbrunja.livejournal.com]

It makes me wanna crank out some DECENT porn.

Sweet! I have to admit, this was the WRONG thing to read right before my boyfriend came over.

[teh-amazing-one.livejournal.com]

DO IT.

[sureasdawn.livejournal.com]

Ahaha! I had to re-upload this icon just for this comment. So lolarious.

[redbrunja.livejournal.com]

Your icon IS perfect for this post.

[hungrytiger11.livejournal.com]

What. just...wait, what?

Genetalia should never have faces OR masks.

Well, this should probably have never been written either but still...WHAT?

[teh-amazing-one.livejournal.com]

Wait, genitalia aren't supposed to have faces? But I brought markers!

MARKERS!!

Can you tell that I've discovered more coding tricks?

[obsessive0514.livejournal.com]

Erm....

What?

What just happened? I can't even tell if this is slash or het or both and WTF "Defile her"? Pan? Srsly, wut?

[redbrunja.livejournal.com]

It's both!

[greynonentity.livejournal.com]

Wait, why is the cock green?

I dunno, I don't think this piece is as bad as that one fanfic where Snape has a "thick, enchanted cucumber." Although, it's really hard to best fanfic writers for bad smut. Published authors have a thing or two to learn about really bad smut-making.

Also, what an awesome award. XDDD

-Kowareta

[redbrunja.livejournal.com]

A woman was wearing a green strap-on.

"thick, enchanted cucumber."

Wow, that is just... way too... way too...

[okroginator.livejournal.com]

what is even going on i don't even

*images of people with Polynesian masks over their crotches* AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[redbrunja.livejournal.com]

Exactly.

[cynchick.livejournal.com]

anyone else notice that most of the authors were men? shocking.

[nimblnymph.livejournal.com]

I didn't, but that is too funny. Trust them to personify the penis.

[squeakchan.livejournal.com]

...Did someone realise they wanted to do het porn after starting some girly action, or is there a threesome going on? I AM SO CONFUSED.

[redbrunja.livejournal.com]

Pretty sure it's a threesome.

[(Anonymous)]

Well... The author must win an award for the worst pick up lines ever, dervied from a book:
"Hey you, Do you wanna see my totem?" (waggles eyebrows)
"Do you wanna hear the crow sing?", "Do you wanna hear the coyote howl?"...even, "How about we both go to a masquerade?"
For some reason, I think this guy is a Freud fanguy...

[(Anonymous)]

Ah! sorry for double post, but did you read this?

"(...)her fanny's got a bit of five o'clock shadow like a pin cushion" "(...)Bobby starts scrabbling frantically across the carpet for Mr Condom..." (...)and Georgie has to roll Mr Condom down Mr Penis for him and she has to help insert him into Mrs Vagina".

:S WTF! What the hell is wrong with them? Now I want to be a virgin forever! It's like a freaking story for kindergardens, but with "biological bits" as the author put it 'oh so eloquently'.

[wicked-seraph.livejournal.com]

D:

[helicopini.livejournal.com]

Naturally it's Roth. I have had many (manymany) assholish dudes lecture me about the GENIUS!!!1! of Roth. Him and Updike. I guess I'm a philistine, because I can do without the both of them.

Whatever at that whole mess. The sexuality fail is just the cherry on top.

[redbrunja.livejournal.com]

Hah! Nothing like those great american novelists you absolutely can't stand.

The sexuality fail is just the cherry on top.

It truly is.

[nekohooch]

O.o
I think some of them were a little too fond of their thesauruses...seriously, most of those were just flowery words of many different kinds, put together to make an horrendous, logic-less, paragraph...still not comprehending how that got by editors...

[redbrunja.livejournal.com]

Who knows? With some of the big-name authors, I doubt the editors actually READ the work.

[tobu-ishi.livejournal.com]

I like, and by "like" I mean "am amused and somewhat horrified by", the guy who can't decide if his character's lover is a boat, a squirrel, a twelve-year-old, or a fricking baby.

The boat metaphors are especially horrid.

She holds him tight and squeezes her body to his, sending delightful sailing boats tacking to and fro across the ocean of his back. With her fingertips she sends foam-flecked waves scurrying over his skin...

What does that even mean? Delightful sailing boats? What sensation is he trying to convey with that?

(Also, protip, BOATS DO NOT HAVE SEISMOGRAPHS. What with spending most of their time on the WATER and all. Though since his hero is playing the piano on a squirrel a few sentences later, maybe I should just chalk that one up to the general metaphor blizzard.)

[redbrunja.livejournal.com]

or a fricking baby.

I know! It was like, what the hell? What the fucking hell?

Though since his hero is playing the piano on a squirrel a few sentences later, maybe I should just chalk that one up to the general metaphor blizzard.

Any metaphor in a storm.